Helga VS Edward silliness

No offense toward Twilight fans here. It is pure humour and stupidity done by me. I don't like Twilight...and plus, Helga just plain pwns Edward any day. X3

Have fun with the stupidity. X3

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It was an epic showdown...

Helga Pataki vs Edward Cullen.

Edward: Do I dazzle you?

Helga: No.

Edward: I'm dangerous, you know. You should stay away.

Helga: If you're so dangerous, then how come you have never once proved it? If you really could kill Bella instantly like you say you can, then why didn't you?

Edward: Well duh, I have to keep up appearances.

Helga: No. You're just a big talker, thinking you're some big shot.

Edward: I'm a vampire.

Helga: Vampire? PLEASE! What a joke! You're nothing but a genetically enhanced super human who feasts on blood for sustenance and sparkles when exposed to the rays of the sun, with "VAMPIRE" as some kind of last-minute label. You're a joke, a disgrace to all vampires.

Edward: There isn't any rule about how Vampires are.

Helga: True enough, there are variations in different stories. But you? Come on, you don't even come close. Criminy, you're a FAIRY! And that's only one reason why Twilight sucks. You and Bella, what love story? That's not love!

Edward: I'm a vampire.

Helga: Shut up, Edwardo. That's not a valid excuse for the garbage that story was! Bella supposedly "loves you" after barely even a month of knowing you? COME ON! She spends time describing how you look with that purple prose, making you out to be some God-like figure, and yet she says NOTHING about your personality.

Edward: Well...I'm a vampire.

Helga: And YOU, you love her strictly because her blood smells "ever so" good, and because you can't read her mind. Oh big deal! And what the heck, you stalk her before you guys are even on speaking terms!

Edward: I'm a vampire. And you stalked Arnold, too.

Helga: Oh PLEASE. Vampire or not, stalking is illegal! And for your information, bucko, I pretty much just followed him around outside of school and even when he would go home! One, I'm a kid. And two, it was for comedic effect! Three, I didn't continuously break into his house to watch him sleep! That was ONE time, and it was an accident!

Edward: She was flattered.

Helga: No, she's just stupid. Either way Edwardo, there's no contest between us.

Edward: I could destroy you. And besides, I put my full faith in the writer.

Helga: Well sucks to be you. Too bad, because the writer loves me and hates you.

AHHH! I LOVE IT!
High (virtual) Five for being a Twilight not-liker!

Dude XD I can't stop laughing XD Continue it! XD

Helga's stalking was hilarious. Edward's was creepy and he was just...just...*random unintelligible rant* Ahem. Anyways, this was great for a laugh, thanks for posting it!

Thanks, guys! I'm glad you had a good laugh out of it. X3 Helga rules! Edward drools. Oh yeah, baby.

All righty, just because I'm so damn nice, I'll put some more for your amusement. Because I'm awesome like that. X3

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ROUND TWO!

Helga: You're an ass.

Edward: You're nine years old and you use foul language...how pathetic. And you're a bitch.

Helga: Hey, my life sucks! My stupid DAD is a freaking blowhard who has no regard for me, and calls me Olga just about all the time, and obsessed with his business. My lame-o MOM is an alcoholic who spends most of her time in la-la land, and doesn't even pack my lunch right half the time! As a result, I am often neglected and disregarded! So I got a reason why I'm so mean, unlike you! You have a loving family, who you don't even appreciate, all the money you need, and can have anything you want! You have no reason to be an ass!

Edward: I'm a vampire.

Helga: Tch. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your mortal life wasn't so good.

Edward: I don't even remember it well. I was born and raised in Chicago, and when I was seventeen I was struck with Spanish Influenza and nearly died, but Carlisle turned me into a vampire.

Helga: AHA! So there. Another score for me.

Edward: Well, at least I treat my true love as a man should.

Helga: Uh, hello? You stalked her, like I already said, you practically keep her isolated, you deter her from any kind of college life, you once pulled out the engine of her car so that she couldn't go see Jacob, whom you deem as "unworthy" to be around her since he's oh-so dangerous, you don't let Bella decide for herself, and you go ahead and downplay all of this with over the top romantic mushy stuff that doesn't even come about from a real man to cover it up, and claim that you're "protecting her" and are "worried about her. That's a load of garbage! If you really loved Bella, which you couldn't possibly, you would have, oh ya know, kept her safe by STAYING AWAY FROM HER because you're OH SO DANGEROUS! But wait, no! You don't even do that at all! Face it, you suck. You treat Bella worse than I have ever treated Arnold!

Edward: Well then if you loved Arnold, wouldn't you set him free?

Helga: That's not even the same thing!

Edward: Yes it is.

Helga: NO, it isn't! Trust me, I'd be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for.

Edward: You lie.

Helga: Just shut up, Edwardo. At least I love Arnold far beyond superficial reasons!

BURN!

I found Twilight to be intellectually offensive, spiritually oppressive and grossly unimaginative. Frankly I'm a little disappointed in Helga for even deigning to speak with one of the Gary Stu's from that awful, awful series.

I'm just waiting for her to punch his lights out.

Done!

ROUND THREE!

Edward: And furthermore, I-

Helga punches him right in the face with Old Betsy, and soon to follow was the Five Avengers. Because Helga is ten times more awesome than Edward ever could be, he was instantly knocked out and fell to the ground, unconscious. Though her fists hurt a little, it was nothing, and Helga just gave a nasty smile and stood over the sparkling vampire's body in triumph.

Helga: Like I said, Edwardo, the Nintendo chick loves me and hates you. So of course I'd come out victorious in this joke of a battle. Now where's Bella, I'm gonna give her a taste of Old Betsy and the Five Avengers too. Heck, I'll even throw one in for Jacob...

And then Helga stomps over to Forks, ready and waiting to claim her next victim.

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So there you have it, folks. Edward finally got his ass handed to him. X3